2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
Issue date: 5/2/08 Section: Horoscopes
Taurus (4/21-5/21) I'm really going to miss you. No, really.
Gemini (5/22- 6/21) Here's an idea, instead of signing the honor code Centenary expects of you, make up your own. It will be great fun.
Cancer (6/22-7/23) Finding time to relax is hard during finals week. Here's a tip, forget it, you are a student before you are a human being. So revert back to being a monkey and instead of taking finals just hand your professor a banana.
Leo (7/24-8/23) The thought of you giving someone else advice on their love life is scary. No, please stop.
Virgo (8/24-9/23) I think you should bring sexy back. Or something.
Libra (9/24) Finals are easily avoided by just pretending they don't exist. Take it a step further though and pretend that Centenary doesn't exist and get a job waitressing at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere and change your name to Maude.
Scorpio (10/23-11/22) Love yourself. Because it is fairly possible that you will be the only one. Just kidding. Do I really mean that?
Sagittarius (11/23-12/21) I know you have been sleeping pretty much the entire semester, but it's time to wake up to take those tests, you know the ones we call "finals." But then again I'm sure you can find a way to major in "napping."
Capricorn (12/22-1/20) Some \how you made it through this year without contracting any STDs. Pat yourself on the back.
Aquarius (1/21-2/19) This could quite possibly be the last time you read the horoscopes. Also, it could quite possibly also be the last time you read The Conglomerate. Not to mention, it could quite possibly be the last time you curse my name for making you sad.
Pisces (2/20-3/20) Can you smell that? It's summer coming. That, or bitter failure.
Aries (3/21-4/20) You're swell.
Gemini (5/22- 6/21) Here's an idea, instead of signing the honor code Centenary expects of you, make up your own. It will be great fun.
Cancer (6/22-7/23) Finding time to relax is hard during finals week. Here's a tip, forget it, you are a student before you are a human being. So revert back to being a monkey and instead of taking finals just hand your professor a banana.
Leo (7/24-8/23) The thought of you giving someone else advice on their love life is scary. No, please stop.
Virgo (8/24-9/23) I think you should bring sexy back. Or something.
Libra (9/24) Finals are easily avoided by just pretending they don't exist. Take it a step further though and pretend that Centenary doesn't exist and get a job waitressing at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere and change your name to Maude.
Scorpio (10/23-11/22) Love yourself. Because it is fairly possible that you will be the only one. Just kidding. Do I really mean that?
Sagittarius (11/23-12/21) I know you have been sleeping pretty much the entire semester, but it's time to wake up to take those tests, you know the ones we call "finals." But then again I'm sure you can find a way to major in "napping."
Capricorn (12/22-1/20) Some \how you made it through this year without contracting any STDs. Pat yourself on the back.
Aquarius (1/21-2/19) This could quite possibly be the last time you read the horoscopes. Also, it could quite possibly also be the last time you read The Conglomerate. Not to mention, it could quite possibly be the last time you curse my name for making you sad.
Pisces (2/20-3/20) Can you smell that? It's summer coming. That, or bitter failure.
Aries (3/21-4/20) You're swell.
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